EXCLUSIVE: The wedding vows of TSS’s beloved editor

Mawidge. Mawidge is what bwings us togewer today.

You see, your beloved editor Conor is busy getting married. As we speak. The ceremony, theoretically, began five minutes ago. Which means that at any moment now, he and his wonderful bride should be getting to the vows. And since we all couldn’t be there, I thought I would recruit the help of a friend to re-create the vows for you, our fine audience. Without further ado, here are Conor’s vows, as interpreted by me, and Cartilage Free Captain editor Dustin Menno.

I vow to be more honest with you than the Italian press are with transfer rumors.

I promise not to let my crush on Dries Martin affect our relationship.

I vow to hold you in as high esteem as I hold Marek Hamšík.

I promise that there were no ulterior motives in suggesting a honeymoon in Italy.

I vow that I’m not ignoring you, and I really appreciate your viewpoint, but could you take a few steps to the side because the second half is about to kick off?

I promise that you will always be the eternal scudetto of my heart.

I vow to put you before football always except possibly in the off chance that Napoli make the Champions League final.

I promise to always make time for you, even when it’s 1-1 against Lazio in the 92nd minute and we’re knocking on the door.

I vow to be as present in our marriage as all 51,000 fans were for a flipping Serie C match at Stadio San Paolo in 2006.

I promise I will learn to have better fashion sense than Vlad Chiriches (with your help).

I vow to take breaks from writing about Napoli to remember that I can spend time with you instead.

I promise that nothing happened in Vegas that one time, no seriously.

I vow to never yell at you the way I yell about football.

I promise never to blog about how my marriage is #actually a lot like sports.

I vow to never love Napoli as much as I love you... and to uncross my fingers any minute now.

I promise that my pale and pasty complexion has nothing to do with my chosen profession.

I vow to remind you, at least once a week, that you’re better than football because you don’t make me want to punch things.

I promise my friends Robert and Dustin are really good people, honest, can they sleep on the couch for a week or six?

I vow to do all of the dishes while my friends Robert and Dustin are staying here, because I wouldn’t want you to have to work on their behalf.

I promise to close the laptop every once in a while.

Congratulations, Conor, from Dustin, Robert, and everyone here at The Siren’s Song!