Dear Mr. Di Canio,
Andrea Dossena is a fine, fine individual who has simply fallen on hard times at Napoli. He seemed rather favored by Walter Mazzarri for the majority of his three seasons in Naples, with the former manager often turning a blind eye to Dossena's especially creative talents at left back. But Walter must've gotten his hands on whatever dirty photos Dossena was holding, because last season he was sent on loan to Palermo.
But don't worry, Paolo! The rosanero didn't buy him because they went down to Serie B. That's the only reason, we swear. It had nothing to do with any spectacular defensive failings Dossena exhibited last season.
And for goodness sake, ignore that failed medical Andrea had at Torino. Everyone knows Toro are simply paranoid, obsessed with keeping out goals as they're unable to put any in. Besides, Torino just said they're "thinking it over." You gotta swoop in now, Sunderland, and take Dossena before he's pulled out from under your noses.
Mr. Di Canio, you know you love players with proven Serie A experience -- and Dossena also has proven Premier League experience. Just give a listen any time an English announcer calls a Napoli game. He will inevitably be called "Former Liverpool man Andrea Dossena." Seriously, how could this get any better for you?
In case we haven't yet convinced you, let us just remind you: Sunderland have earned just one point thus far, and spent Saturday falling 3-1 to Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace. Pretty much any defender is better than what you've got going on right now.
But Dossena isn't just any player. He's creative and expressive and really loves to get forward, even if it's at the expense of cover at the back. You'll absolutely adore him. Promise!
The Siren's Song